(no subject)

[olivermoss]

Pride Season isn't going great for me so far. Under the cut is me venting at length. I wasn't sure whether to post it because I'd rather try to solve the problem or find ways to keep going and trying things than vent, but I decided I can do both as a treat.

But, as I was writing it more shit happened. I am still going to check out some more events and places and see if any don't suck. There is an event that is specially for trans-masc people but the promo image is needles and vials and the venue is a bar that is very specifically a lesbian bar. But it says it's an event for trans mascs so I am going to go even if the vibes are not good. I'll just pivot to photo-walking if I want to escape after five minutes.

Also, I am trying to spruce up my wardrobe a bit. I am very aware that if I wear one of my old, more femme jackets or dress more femme people react to me much better at events than when I dress me. That's not good. Also, when I see visible trans men at events they are wearing like trans flag striped clothing, trans flags as capes or like quirky t shirts with cartoon drawings of top surgery scars on them. No, I am not going to wear any of that. But, hopefully I can find some new clothes that do suit me that feel better to wear to events. I don't expect clothes to fix my problems, but even if I feel a bit better at events that would be something. Also, it's something I can at least work on.

Fuck, Pride Season is off to a shitty start for me. Basically, I wound up with some guy up my ass about why I didn't want to go the main waterfront pride festival and he wasn't taking my attempts to change the subject well.

Then he decided to say 'is it just to hard for you to go because you're unpartnered?' That just struck a nerve, both the continual assumption that Pride events are "pure joy that will make your face hurt from smiling" (his exact words) and if they aren't amazing for you, well, something is wrong with you. And also just... what a gross thing to ask. Am I too much of a sensitive plant that I can't stand seeing happy couples? How could I function in society like that?

If you make a scale where 0 is the level of reply appropriate to the event I was at and 5 is me really unloading about the problems, I was at about a 1.5. Not terrible, but he was 'happy' I opened up to him, but I didn't want to open up. I was pissed and defensive not 'letting him in'.

I beat myself up mentally for having said anything on the ride home, but then I remembered how much he had badgered me and said things like 'it's easy to make friends if you care about your community, just be involved' and also he rambled on about all the casual sex events he plans to attend during Pride season. He's happily married and has, with full permission I assume, casual sex at events about once a week. Great, happy for you, WISH I KNEW LESS DETAILS.

(Also, re: being involved in stuff, some of the events he loves - the geek ones not the casual sex ones - are only inclusive because of a small group of people who forced change. I was one of them. Don't fucking assume I don't care about my community and haven't been involved. These days I cannot do that level of organizational stuff again, so most of my community support is monetary. The one organizational thing I've been trying to do is get the people from this group, who skew older, white, home owning, male, cis, corporate jobs, etc, to have one of their events be going to the queer art pop ups to become familiar with that scene and maybe buy pride stickers from local artists rather than from people reselling shit off of Amazon at the big waterfront event.)

He thinks that those events/parties welcome everyone and I should go, but I am not welcome. This is not me being shy. At previous meet up a trans man who is younger than me, thinner than me, thoroughly part of the queer community and by about any standard more attractive than me was tried telling him a few times that if he showed to any of them, he'd be removed, forcibly if need be. I am really glad I've seen him push back on some of this 'Portland is queer wonderland' BS because, fuck, all the 'of course they'd welcome you, why wouldn't they? Do you think they are bad people?' really drives me nuts at times.

So, what now? Someone at one of the extremely few trans-inclusive ongoing social events basically glommed onto me and left me an emotional wreck. I am going to peace out from this specific event for a few months and when I come back I am just going to avoid him, even if it means leaving events suddenly. I only stayed as long as I did so I could finish my drink and leave, rather than just suddenly ditch. From now on I'll worry less about social niceties.

I am also looking for other things to do, even though I know the odds aren't in my favor. A chunk of the 'trans inclusive' stuff here doesn't mean me.

(Even though this might all be a giant mistake) I am going to try to try out a few events. One is a queer country night that isn't specifically trans inclusive, but I like country so I am going to try to go.

Also, I tried going to a local bar that does drag brunches and drag bingo. It's supposed to be a very LGBTQ+ centered place. I went mid week to see what I could drink there, see if I can eat the food, check out the vibes and see if being over 30 there is okay, etc. Glad I did. A guy who is clearly a regular was massively and repeatedly transphobic to some poor girl and the bartender sided with the regular. So, yeah, never going back there. Gay is okay, drag is a celebration, trans people fuck off. I get it.

Sadly, the bar in question hosts a lot of queer events and sponsors a lot of other events. It's also an old corner drug store converted into a bar, so it's very cool looking. A great place for people who like taking pictures of beers in places.

It'll be a hike, but I might take to writing once a week at Wyrd Meadery or TPK Brewing, because I feel like those places wont tolerate transphobic nonsense. It's kinda funny, some of the LGBTQ+ specific bars are terrible to trans people and it's other bars that wont come up if you look up LGBTQ+ bars that are better about shit.

Comments

[misbegotten]

That guy sounds like a complete asshole. There is no universal happy experience in a group setting. Ever.

<3

[olivermoss]

Yup, there is no universal good experience. For some reason a lot of people tend to be very defensive about Pride rather than ever acknowledge that it's not the same for everyone. But, this guy was next level in terms of not understanding that his experience isn't universal.

[walgesang]

Wow, those experiences sound awful in general and I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :/ I've had not the same but a similar situation at a local Pride where the trans masc energy seems to be like "you'd better be super out and also super queer and quirky or no go." Not to mention the massive amount of privilege (all the queer events seem to at bars, aren't very disability friendly and cost a lot of money. Guess being poor isn't cool!) really pisses me off. That comment about being unpartnered is just super shitty, full stop.

On the one hand, I'm really glad to see more out trans folks (as opposed to 20 years ago) but it does frequently feel very niche and I'm sorry you're running into that.

I haven't really figured out where I fit in and right now with my health problems most queer events are out for me anyway, but that's absolutely ridiculous of the transphobic nonsense going on there. Ugh. WTF.

[olivermoss]

a similar situation at a local Pride where the trans masc energy seems to be like "you'd better be super out and also super queer and quirky or no go."

Yeah, being visibly trans masc being okay as long as you are super quirky and camp about it, walk around in striped pajamas is definitely a thing here. I doubt the whole scene is like that, but the highly visible parts and what I've been able to see is. I am sure there are some who like being camp, but hat feeling like a narrow channel of acceptance feels shitty.

The cost is a serious issue. My main problem with the pride festival here is that it usually advertises as 'free with suggestion donation', but when you show up they want ten bucks. I balked at that once just because I hadn't been in a while and took the ads at their word and got someone going on about the costs and supporting the community. What the fuck? I can pay but, imagine those who can't who have every reason to except they only need to bring them. Community events are often free, we have major sponsors like Nike, Whole Foods, Columbia, various banks and investment houses. People have every reason to think the sponsorship money and the community members paying in extra is covering them. Sadly, when I have been at meetings I wasn't taken seriously about that. I think it's absolutely unacceptable and the just don't see the damage it does.

But yeah, also bars and everything else. It costs money. Even if you've got fifteen bucks for an event, that's just one event that may or may not be good. It's fifteen here, twenty there, etc, etc. I walked to the bar I was bitching about so that was cheaper, but my beer + expected tip was still 9 bucks.

At the main pride festival, want shade, a place to sit and to skip 2 hours standing in line dealing with with whatever the weather and the evangelicals want to throw at you? The VIP pass is 95 bucks. The event exhausts me, and I walk with photogear for 9 hours at a stretch for fun. How all of that is not obviously a giant pile of problems, I don't know.

I hope you find some ways to interact that work for you. It's a mess for me, and I definitely do have some privileges. If it's this bad for me, it's worse for others.

[muccamukk]

I keep pouring one out for the shitty scene down there. I'm sorry it continues to suck despite all your work to improve things. It sounds EXHAUSTING.

[olivermoss]

Thanks. I always feel bad that I haven't been able to do more, but medical stuff kept me out of things for a while.

[razielim]

'is it just to hard for you to go because you're unpartnered?' What the fuck. God forbid single people do anything.

I often wonder if the reason I don't fit into pride/camp culture stuff is because I haven't integrated into American society enough (despite living here most of my life) to have grown up into a proper American Gay™️, but I read personal posts like this and remember that... Pride and associated behaviors, interests, aesthetics, values, etc. really really are just a very specific subculture.

We're not alone to have difficulties swimming with that current, and no one's done anything wrong or insufficiently to not fit into it.

Beyond simply not fitting in to some of the particulars, there really are elements or actors in it that specifically act to maintain its borders while simultaneously setting it up as the perfected and even universal state of queer existence. Borders are maintained with transphobia, with racism, with an emphasis on extroversion, casual sex, expected euphoria from participating in Pride, etc.

But I think most insidiously, even if not ill-intentioned at all, exclusivity is maintained by the lack of imagination or even education that keeps some participants from entertaining the possibility that the highly publicized Pride-euphoric and picture-perfect rainbow gay subculture is barely a drop in the bucket of the possible queer experiences throughout the world, history, or even their own neighborhoods.

All to say, you are not alone, your frustration speaks to me and others, really sorry those incidents happened, oof they're frustrating to even read about, and I hope you have better experiences at the other events you're looking to try out. It's certainly not a personal failure to have a bad time while seeking traction. If anything, it's cool and admirable just how many different experiences you've poked your head into and observed on your journey so far. 🖤🖤

[olivermoss]

I wouldn't be able to do anything if I was so upset seeing couples. Heck, I wouldn't have been able to ride the bus yesterday because some throuple was playing out their dynamic very publicly. (Shit like that just happens in Portland)

"Pride and associated behaviors, interests, aesthetics, values, etc. really really are just a very specific subculture."

That's something I probably haven't considered enough. Pride here has problems with the cost, how physically taxing going is, people not realizing that cute merch at booths is literally people reselling stuff from art thieves who sell on Amazon, and I could go on, but it really is a pretty narrow cultural thing. It talks big about diversity, but what these events say they are and what they actually are don't often match up. It's pretty taxing having so many people act like there is this free, amazing, glorious way to connect with your community and then it's like... you show up and it's ten bucks, no water stations and 12 of the booths are banks.

Yeah, they see it as this all-encompassing thing and don't take criticisms seriously. I feel like people who had fulfilling experiences / relationships / casual sex as a result of pride events become very, very defensive of it and take criticisms personally.

"All to say, you are not alone, your frustration speaks to me and others"

Thank you, that really helps to hear. I really do hope that I manage to have different experiences if I keep going, or someday a drop of connection somewhere.

[mistressofmuses]

I'm sorry the month is off to a crap start.

That sounds really shitty, I'm sorry. I hate when people pry and decide they deserve a bunch of personal history stuff just... because?
As well as the sort of invisibility of "well, *I* feel welcome, so *you* must be doing something wrong", ignoring all the factors that go into why someone might not have the same experience.

It's extremely galling how many "queer-friendly" spaces wind up being overtly transphobic.

I hope there are some other events that wind up going better.

[olivermoss]

Basically, it can never be that their community is imperfect or that their own acceptance (and supply of casual sex) is conditional. Honestly, I don't even know how I'd handle this constant BS if not for that one other trans guy.

Yup, so many doors labeled 'this is for you' and I go in and just fucking nope.

[mistressofmuses]

Yuuuup. I'm sorry you're surrounded by so much BS about "the community." Lots of people struggle with the idea that something that is a positive for them isn't a positive for everyone. (And instead of looking at that as an opportunity to try and improve things, they get defensive, and tend to just confirm all those things they insist aren't true. "Oh, you don't feel welcome in this space? WELL WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE ANYWAY YOU MEANIE.")