Foot post that became a pride month post

[olivermoss]

My foot is slowly doing better. I just need to *not* sit on it without realizing it. I was probably going to wind up skipping the main Portland Pride event thingie anyway, but this torpedoes it. Last year, and most years, going there means standing in line on a sidewalk for about an hour then once inside the areas you need to talk on are very smooth, well churned mud. Pride is the weekend after Rose Fest, so if we've had any rain the ground gets wrecked. It's physically hard to move around without any injury or movement problems. If you have one it's grueling at best.

So, that is just my experience of Pride this year, it's amazingly inaccessible and this year that excludes me.

I am trying to do other things, but not sure what. Some of the 'for the whole community' or 'community building' stuff I tried last year turned out to be... not that. It was just the typical DJ'd drinking those bars typically have, just with a bunch of 'for the whole community' theming as a feel good thing. Me showing up alone was exactly the same as having tried to go out to a bar full of skimpily dressed twenty somethings on any other night. I'm let in, but being there is awkward and people giggle like I've clearly lost. So I eate the cover charge and left a few places. But, I haven't even heard of events like that this year. I've been trying to look for some smaller / side events but there's not much. There was one I was going to do a few days ago but some people were sure, even though the event didn't say, that it was a womyn's only thing and the organizers never cleared things up in either direction do I didn't head out.

I have been trying to photograph pride flags and stuff for my tumblr, since pride is in a weird place this year. There haven't been many. Some places I reliably see flags don't have them this year. I am very glad I didn't try to challenge myself to a pride post a day on my photography tumblr, that would have crashed and burned badly. Usually in June I am stressed by Pride being so visible, because there is such a disconnect between how overwhelming all the flags and 'don't assume our employee's pronouns' signs and what my actual experiences have been being queer in this town. But the opposite of that isn't good either.

Comments

[dine]

I'm sorry that Pride isn't a thing this year for you - both because of your foot, and the general programming that's been happening generally. I hope you can find some decorations on at least some of your walks, without the stress of trying to seek them out for a post-a-day

[olivermoss]

Pride's never been a good time for me. I think it's fun if you've got a partner or a crew, but it sucks alone. So, I wasn't expecting much out of it.

[mistressofmuses]

It sucks how often it turns out that pride events are some variety of inaccessible. Ours in Denver is... better than some, at least.

It also sucks how many "for the whole community!" events are actually for "everyone! (some restrictions may apply)". Bleh. Especially frustrating if event organizers won't help clarify.

I'm pretty discouraged/offput/worried by how comparatively invisible Pride has been this month. I haven't seen a lot out and around in the community. There were probably four or five houses on my regular commute route that had pride flags out all month last year, and this year NONE of them do. (I have seen a few, including a couple that are up year-round, but far fewer than I've seen in the past, and not from the "usual" spots I'd gotten used to seeing.)

[olivermoss]

Waterfront Park is just where events like this in Portland are. They could do more to manage it, but they don't have a choice of venue. They could do more 'satellite' locations for people not wanting or able to handle the downtown stuff, but it's like accessibility isn't even on their radar.

Yeah, I mean I do expect that 'everyone' doesn't include anyone over 24 and doesn't meant transmasc people. Last year a lot of my attempts were more confirmation than anything... partially due to a therapist who glommed onto the idea that I don't go to these sorts of events as 100% of my problem. They did well at those events and had a 'it was like everyone wanted to talk to me' experience and yeah, when you are 24 and your main hobby is jogging, and don't identify as masc... that's a very different experience.

I'm not dumb, I'm just working out the issues therapy gave me. And hey, if some place is actually welcoming to me maybe I'll find it.

[mistressofmuses]

It's unfortunate that the venue is pretty set and not well-suited to accessibility concerns. Though it's still frustrating that they don't do what they could in order to improve those issues.

There are way too many queer spaces that have grown hostile toward masculinity in general. It's something I've seen at least some online discussions of, but it's really a problem that I think needs to be more well-known. But particularly spaces that are supposed to be "for everyone" could do with a loooot more self-examination about how welcoming they actually are. Unfortunately, it's hard to get people to take it seriously, and then you wind up with the internal bias of "no one in the group sees a problem!" when they already pushed a ton of people away.
(And yes, there are people who are hostile to femininity as well, but I don't see that in nearly as many widespread ways... it seems more confined to certain assholes who are a lot louder about it, instead of being this baked-in thing that escapes notice.)

I really hope you DO find more welcoming spaces. I want there to BE more welcoming spaces!

[olivermoss]

Yeah, to me a hostility towards masculinity like it's the problem has been a general trend in spaces I've been in. It's one reason why transmasc people are so invisible, it's alienating. In a lot of queer spaces if you aren't okay being called 'girl' or other female terms then you don't pass the vibe check. Even for very mas cis gay men, in queer spaces they are often unpacking ideas about what masc and femme even means to accept the femmes in the space and not see liking guys as 'not manly.

Also, transmas people seem more accepted when they are young. It's like, it's okay to be a boy, because you can se read as tomboyish, but men are not okay.

I wish places would stop saying 'for everyone' when they mean young, hot and acceptable forms of queerness but pretending it's 'loving everyone'

I feel like in general still trying to 'find my tribe' at my age is considered cringe and like I must be problem, rather then people looking around and seeing the stunning lack of certain people in the community. By the best data we have, there are roughly equal numbers of MTF and FTM and an equal number who go for medical transition, but man, it don't look that way at any 'community event'

[mistressofmuses]

Yeah. I *get* how some of those attitudes happen - there's a huge issue with sexism and misogyny as a whole. Trust me, I know it!
But it's not the fault of masculinity. *Toxic* masculinity is one of the symptoms and one of the causes, but not all masculinity is toxic. Queer spaces especially should *fucking know better* than to decide that gender and gender expression mean anything beyond that person's gender. Gender essentialism is a garbage way to look at anything, even when being done in terms of masc vs. femme instead of male vs. female.

There's a lot of that attitude as well. Transmasc as "sweet soft boy" is fine, but transmasc as "masculine man" is treated as weird or uncomfortable or just not a thing at all.

But that's really what it boils down to. If all you want is "under 25, hot, and palatable" then don't pretend that's "everyone welcome."

I mean... sad fistbump of commiseration. Not having a social circle in your 30s, 40s, and beyond is definitely seen as "suspect" in some way. I've got acquaintances, but not really a friend group, and that's seen as really weird and "what's wrong with you".
But that's absolutely it - very few people seem willing to look at who is actually included and who is excluded. And when they say "everyone is welcome", yet only wind up with people who fit the same demographics... then maybe they should examine why that is.

[olivermoss]

Queer spaces should absolutely knows better, but in my experience I've gotten more aggro and more problems there than anywhere. The top 4 Bad Things done to me over my gender/sexuality where in queer space. The anxiety I feel at this point in general LGBTQ+ spaces can be intense.

Also, so much respectability politics. Don't be cringe, at all, or be anything but a good looking trans, or else! Yeah, that's kind of a problem with the homeless rate, lack of health care, and very gender-based beauty standards.

Between my health stuff and the pandemic, I don't even have IRL acquaintances anymore. And so many people are just like 'friends are easy to make, just get out there!' and it's like, once you've been through people realizing you don't have a circle of your own and suddenly treating you like you are super sus and backing away a few times, it's hard to go through that again and again.

I'm kind of over Guild Wars right now, but I've been dragging myself in just for the social stuff. It's good but it's also... 3 hours of WVW really kills my ability to get much else done.

[mistressofmuses]

Yeah. :/ I've had a handful of pretty terrible experiences in queer spaces as well. (The whole "we only wanted you in the group because we thought you were 'really' a lesbian, and the whole 'bi thing' was just a phase" and being ostracized for having a different-gender partner; lots of expectations of being okay with things that amounted to sexual harassment, and if you didn't want randos groping you, then you clearly had internalized queerphobia...) My bad experiences were mostly unrelated-ish to my gender, but were very much about my perceived sexuality.

And oh yes, SO very much playing into respectability politics. Definitely don't be cringe! Keep quiet about anything weird! Don't be too loud, unless it's the right kind of loud. You better be attractive trans, or waifishly androgynous. "GNC" better just extend to long hair and nail polish on a boy or short hair on a girl!
(The classism that came with a lot of it also was really painful... having spent several years homeless, it was often made extremely clear that we would not be welcome. Often people didn't realize that we were homeless, so were pretty free with telling us what they thought of people who were.)

I keep hearing "friends are so easy to make!" and I want to say "out of what, paper mache?"
The pandemic absolutely short-circuited a lot of the ability to see any of those acquaintance-level people, to say nothing of how many people moved out of state for financial reasons in the last few years. It was nice to realize that not all of those relationships atrophied to nothing, but it's still now a number of people I could count on one hand. And those that seemed like they *could* have become closer friendships are back to acquaintanceship square one.
It's fucking HARD to keep "trying to make friends" when people sideeye you and duck away because "why don't you already have friends?"

I'm sorry you're kind of over the game at the moment. I hope the interest comes back. I know the feeling - why is time so damn limited?

[olivermoss]

Oof, yeah, randos being handsy and being expected to accept it were big parts of some queer groups where when I was younger. I'd almost forgotten that. The things I think of as bad experiences are more threats, being thrown into walls and... something else I am not going to get into right now. But yeah, I was tossed from groups for having 'internalized homophobia' when I really, really didn't.

For all the effort I put into my appearance, I am doomed to be seen as cringe, now with added agism. I don't try to be too loud or weird, quite the opposite. I spend a lot of time trying to find clothes that are in the center of the venn diagram of fits me well, suits who I am and also trying to dress in a way others would view well. But my masculinity crosses a line and I get seen as gross or broken.

Classism is a big problem. I'm sorry you have to deal with that BS. A lot of queer people wind up homeless or with housing insecurity. It's shitty in any case, but in queer community people really should be better about that shit, they just aren't.

Yeah, here it seemed like people just shut down, cut off acquaintances and are happier focusing solely on their core relationships. So much social mobility and connection dying away is not good in about a million ways.

[mistressofmuses]

Ugh. I'm so sorry you had that sort of thing happen to you. At least the handsy shit was the only way in which it got physical for me. Not great, but at least it wasn't getting overtly threatened or physically assaulted. And yeah, there was this attitude that any discomfort with anyone's behavior was homophobia, when it often wasn't that at all.

The ageism is fucking real. And so is the anti-masc sentiment. (Unless it's expressed in extremely specific ways, that usually still make it clear the person in question doesn't ID as masc.) It's weird and frankly really distressing to see SO MUCH policing of appearance and expression within queer groups, when yet again, SHOULD FUCKING KNOW BETTER, but instead just seem to double down.

Right? It's fairly well-known that queer kids, especially trans kids, are at super high risk for being kicked out of their homes and such. There's a lot of sympathy for needing to protect youth in those situations... but oh, you're 25? 30? Older? What did you do to DESERVE that? Why didn't you try harder? Why aren't you a monogamous married upwardly mobile white gay?

I have seen a lot of discussion about loneliness "post"-pandemic, and how it stunted socialization for a lot of people and all... but it was almost all geared toward losing workplace connections or classmates. I feel like I haven't actually seen much discussion of how casual acquaintanceships fell off. I also haven't seen much about how to even approach fixing it.

[olivermoss]

One of the places people think I should get community in queer spaces but it's like, not a good situation. Also, cis male spaces? Yeah, I am not going to risk that. A lot of cis-female focused spaces tend to think I don't fit or start to treat me weird after a while. But why is it hard to make friends? I did find a new FTM group on meetup.com and have applied to join. Still waiting. I got a 'congrats on 17 years of membership on meetup.com' pop up and was like 'yerrrrrgggg....' Even trying this makes me feel like I am nuts.

I am so tired of people acting like the barriers I've faced don't exist or like earlier eras of Portland were accepting wonderlands when in reality a LOT of people found the queer scene here super alienating due to what a meat market all the social spaces were for so long. When I've had changes to talk to queer people my own age and I've asked about community spaces they were all 'I would not go near queer community spaces'. So, really not just me and my specific situation.

Yeah, I haven't seen any interest in fixing or even acknowledging the problems from the aftermath of lockdowns outside of customers being ruder in stores and teenagers being a bit wild and unhinged because certain part of their development was during a weird time and they are sort of stuck there.

[mistressofmuses]

I hope the meetup group works out! I realize that if and when a group does actually work out, then it will likely be worth the pain in the ass... but it sucks more and more to try and "put yourself out there" when things don't.

The rose-colored glasses that a lot of people see things with can be really frustrating... especially when your own experiences were so drastically not that. I'm glad it's not just you who wants to stay away from the queer spaces up there, but I'm also sorry it's been a problem for a lot of people. It seems like "this is a big enough issue that plenty of people are aware of it" should be able to be leveraged into "so let's try to put together a better alternative!" but I also know how rarely that ever seems to work!

Exactly. Lots about kids and teens having developmental problems and lagging in social development. Some stuff about depression and loneliness, but almost always tacked on to "SO AREN'T YOU GRATEFUL TO RETURN TO WORK!!!?" I feel like there's little about how it was those casual acquaintances and sort of "low-level" friendships that vanished most completely. I'm grateful for the online connections I have, but genuinely have no idea how to try and rekindle any of the in-person ones.

[olivermoss]

I think the problem of making an alternative queer space is there is no way to reach out to all the people who have been alienated and burned. If they have found any community elsewhere, they are just going to stick to it. I try to find somewhat alternative spaces like book clubs, but last I found a queer book club they were reading anti-trans book and I decided not to join.

This is why conspiracies, cults and crypto exploded to fill the void of loneliness due to the pandemic. Until we actually deal with this instead of writing off everyone who is lonely as a bad person who probably deserves it for some reason, things just going to get worse

[mistressofmuses]

That's very true. How do you reach people once they've scattered and disconnected from those spaces, and now aren't connected to any centralized hub?

I need to look for more spaces like that. Book clubs, or the like. There's a secular group meetup thing that I always say I'll try to go to and feel out sometimes, but never end up going. The goth clubs are fun and all, but I've still found it hard to make friends outside of the "we happen to be here drinking and dancing at the same time, and make some small-talk in between."

WTF? Why the fuck would a queer book club be reading an anti-trans book? What garbage!

And yeah. That's also a really good point. There's this sort of desperation for connection, and people fill that with some pretty terrible things when they don't feel like they have any other choice. If some group decides to "let you in" so you're "a part of something"... that's a really powerful feeling when you're lonely.

The only antidote is social connection, and that's the thing that's become almost impossible.

[olivermoss]

The majority of events for queer identities being peer groups is just not great for community building, for reasons I'm sure I've listed before. Like we need that, too, but it should be balanced by more chill spaces.

Yups. *adds book club to list of things that should be for me, but exclude me*

How impossible forming connections is these days, it all feels like a bad joke.

[mistressofmuses]

Very much so. The need for chiller, more relaxed spaces is one that goes unmet a lot of the time. Peer stuff isn't bad! But yeah, there are a lot of social aspects that would be better served by having places where people *can* be more relaxed. Not "on" all the time.

Wtf. That's so deeply garbage on the part of the book club. At least all the ones I've encountered have just been *boring* and focused on the kinds of literary fiction I don't enjoy.

It really does feel like a bad joke. "Be more connected" is the magic fix-all... while also being the most impossible thing to do.