![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Some emo navel gazing to get it out of my system...
I've been watching some of Sarah Spaceman's videos on how she does her cosplays. It's been kind of nice to reconnect with the fact that watching anime and being part of a cosplay group is something I spend a lot of time and effort on. I don't really think about it much these days.
Before I get into these videos giving me very mixed emotions, I want to say her videos are great. She gets into the nitty gritty in how she does things in ways that, back in my day, cosplayers did not talk about. Also, she gives interesting context. In her video about making her own version of a viral strawberry dress she got into who made the original, what her story is, the hype around it. how she's being ripped off, etc. There is a lot more to that dress than you might think. Anyway...
I have spent so much time, effort and money on ren faire outfits and cosplays and pretty much all I have to show for it is a wig styled into Legolas' braid and a pic where I am in getting ready so my corset is half on and not in a sexy way, in a 'I look 2x my size' way. And fuck if this doesn't feel like a metaphor for most of my life. Time, effort, going hard, etc, but when I say I was part of this scene everyone thinks I am lying or a poser because I've got nothing to show for it.
I had two outfits planned to be the cosplays I'd have long after I got out of the scene, and both were taken by people I know. Also, I've mentioned that an entire era of my photography is gone? Any pics of me that I had were in that set and also... the HD didn't just die on it's own someone deliberately fucked up my drive and thinks it's hilarious that they did so.
So yeah, bits and pieces, bitter memories and skills I have no use for... except at the start of the pandemic when I was able to whip up masks with washable wiring molded to my nose and in fabrics that suited my style because I had everything I needed.
Anyway, I want to explain the situation with one of my cosplays. I knew my group was breaking up and I didn't care about half the anime we did outfits from, so while I was in practice I went hard on making a Riza Hawkeye cosplay, which meant making a military uniform from Fullmetal Alchemist. I found a pattern for a real military uniform, altered it both to that cut and also my body. I made a hidden way for the waistband to be let out in case the outfit needed to 'grow with me'. I got dark blue wool suiting that might be used in a real uniform of this type. I made tons of bias tape by hand because I didn't like any pre-make bias tape for this. I wanted to be accurate but also realistic instead of cartoony. I cut it all out and basted it by hand. I then hired a professional sewist to do the final sewing and pressing because I find machine sewing frustrating because I hate bobbins. I've never gotten the hang of them. Also, I wanted a re-inforced stitch and not a basic straight stitch. Anyway, hard... months of work and lots of money. This was tailored to me and finished by a pro on a pro machine to last literally my life.
One problem, the epaulets (Little shoulder thingies showing ranking) didn't turn out great. I wore it at one con and the best sewist in my old group was like 'holy shit I can fix that so easily'. I was confused because she gets hammered with requests to work on other people's cosplays and he offering to fix mine was great, but I was worried. She finally convinced me that seeing a cosplay so good with one small flaw she could wipe away was driving her nuts and she wanted to. That night, when changed to go out to dinner and I put the cosplay in a bag which she took and I never saw it or heard from her again. I've since heard that she's been wearing it, and since she's shorter than me and lacks my very broad shoulders, she's altered it a lot if it's fitting her. Even if I got it back, it's ruined for me. It's been made much smaller. I tried everything I could, begging to have it back, but she never got back to me and mutual friends were like 'you need to talk to her, not me'.
This was supposed to be my try-hard final piece to drag out and wear to cons and geeky events for life.
My other 'forever' custom was a pirate doublet that someone just took and refused to give back. Long story, but I will skip this one. The person just loved how it looked on it so much they couldn't let go of it and decided that their feels were important enough to just fucking take it and never give it back.
So much of my life is like this, people just taking my shit, erasing my shit, burying my shit... And then people telling me that if X was really important to me, I'd have stuff to show for it. If X was important to be, if I was serious and not just day dreaming, I'd have it.
Honestly, this is not exactly a metaphor for my life... right now, but it is a good metaphor for how my life was until a year or a year and a half ago which was why I want putting SO much pressure on myself to complete projects, so much pressure that it was tripping me up because... *waves at entire post* Hard not to feel defeated and like someone is always going to rip away everything you do and be all 'look what I did!'
There is another parallel here to something in my life that I am just not going to get into right now.
Sorry for the weird ramble but I just kinda needed to get this out.
I've been watching some of Sarah Spaceman's videos on how she does her cosplays. It's been kind of nice to reconnect with the fact that watching anime and being part of a cosplay group is something I spend a lot of time and effort on. I don't really think about it much these days.
Before I get into these videos giving me very mixed emotions, I want to say her videos are great. She gets into the nitty gritty in how she does things in ways that, back in my day, cosplayers did not talk about. Also, she gives interesting context. In her video about making her own version of a viral strawberry dress she got into who made the original, what her story is, the hype around it. how she's being ripped off, etc. There is a lot more to that dress than you might think. Anyway...
I have spent so much time, effort and money on ren faire outfits and cosplays and pretty much all I have to show for it is a wig styled into Legolas' braid and a pic where I am in getting ready so my corset is half on and not in a sexy way, in a 'I look 2x my size' way. And fuck if this doesn't feel like a metaphor for most of my life. Time, effort, going hard, etc, but when I say I was part of this scene everyone thinks I am lying or a poser because I've got nothing to show for it.
I had two outfits planned to be the cosplays I'd have long after I got out of the scene, and both were taken by people I know. Also, I've mentioned that an entire era of my photography is gone? Any pics of me that I had were in that set and also... the HD didn't just die on it's own someone deliberately fucked up my drive and thinks it's hilarious that they did so.
So yeah, bits and pieces, bitter memories and skills I have no use for... except at the start of the pandemic when I was able to whip up masks with washable wiring molded to my nose and in fabrics that suited my style because I had everything I needed.
Anyway, I want to explain the situation with one of my cosplays. I knew my group was breaking up and I didn't care about half the anime we did outfits from, so while I was in practice I went hard on making a Riza Hawkeye cosplay, which meant making a military uniform from Fullmetal Alchemist. I found a pattern for a real military uniform, altered it both to that cut and also my body. I made a hidden way for the waistband to be let out in case the outfit needed to 'grow with me'. I got dark blue wool suiting that might be used in a real uniform of this type. I made tons of bias tape by hand because I didn't like any pre-make bias tape for this. I wanted to be accurate but also realistic instead of cartoony. I cut it all out and basted it by hand. I then hired a professional sewist to do the final sewing and pressing because I find machine sewing frustrating because I hate bobbins. I've never gotten the hang of them. Also, I wanted a re-inforced stitch and not a basic straight stitch. Anyway, hard... months of work and lots of money. This was tailored to me and finished by a pro on a pro machine to last literally my life.
One problem, the epaulets (Little shoulder thingies showing ranking) didn't turn out great. I wore it at one con and the best sewist in my old group was like 'holy shit I can fix that so easily'. I was confused because she gets hammered with requests to work on other people's cosplays and he offering to fix mine was great, but I was worried. She finally convinced me that seeing a cosplay so good with one small flaw she could wipe away was driving her nuts and she wanted to. That night, when changed to go out to dinner and I put the cosplay in a bag which she took and I never saw it or heard from her again. I've since heard that she's been wearing it, and since she's shorter than me and lacks my very broad shoulders, she's altered it a lot if it's fitting her. Even if I got it back, it's ruined for me. It's been made much smaller. I tried everything I could, begging to have it back, but she never got back to me and mutual friends were like 'you need to talk to her, not me'.
This was supposed to be my try-hard final piece to drag out and wear to cons and geeky events for life.
My other 'forever' custom was a pirate doublet that someone just took and refused to give back. Long story, but I will skip this one. The person just loved how it looked on it so much they couldn't let go of it and decided that their feels were important enough to just fucking take it and never give it back.
So much of my life is like this, people just taking my shit, erasing my shit, burying my shit... And then people telling me that if X was really important to me, I'd have stuff to show for it. If X was important to be, if I was serious and not just day dreaming, I'd have it.
Honestly, this is not exactly a metaphor for my life... right now, but it is a good metaphor for how my life was until a year or a year and a half ago which was why I want putting SO much pressure on myself to complete projects, so much pressure that it was tripping me up because... *waves at entire post* Hard not to feel defeated and like someone is always going to rip away everything you do and be all 'look what I did!'
There is another parallel here to something in my life that I am just not going to get into right now.
Sorry for the weird ramble but I just kinda needed to get this out.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-14 03:54 am (UTC)From:I'm so sorry that happened. Multiple times!
It's completely fucking awful that someone would like something you did so much that they would just *fucking steal it*.
And especially to then have the fact that things were TAKEN from you used as proof that you apparently never had them in the first place? That's cruel and shitty and I'm sorry it's happened to you.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-14 04:36 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2023-05-15 03:48 am (UTC)From:That sounds not completely dissimilar to looking back at stretches of my life that were dominated by abusive relationships. It's not 1:1, but there's a similar sense of feeling like there are... lost years. Time with nothing to show for it. Things that WERE important to me, but that are now just kind of a void.
I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you, and that you had no recourse. Too many people are just so deeply shitty... and I really wish they didn't so often get rewarded for it.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-15 05:15 am (UTC)From:I'm sorry you've had similar experiences, and also that shitty people get rewarded for shitty behavior.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-16 06:09 am (UTC)From:It isn't your fault, and you absolutely shouldn't blame yourself for having had parts of your life and your history taken away by other people's decisions.
I really, really want to believe that ultimately the shitty people will get all they have earned... but frustratingly that doesn't always wind up happening.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-16 07:24 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2023-05-14 09:14 am (UTC)From:Second, holy shitfuck WHAT THE HELL?? I can’t even imagine how it must feel having a part of yourself erased. I’m so so sorry.
no subject
Date: 2023-05-14 10:40 am (UTC)From: